Away! Away! Away!

Off to Charleston -- maybe for the last time ever -- pray we stay in the air!

PS Check out the ad that I saw on QueerCincinnati.com, weird, huh? Especially considering the Scientologists are threatening (we think) to out John Travolta, at least his personal secrets, if he leaves the0 church cult religion practice.

On vacation!

I'm taking a little vacation for the next week or so -- I'll be heading home to Charleston (SC) this weekend, so it is unlikely you'll hear from me until after then, but I wanted to give everyone a heads up!

Also, nearly done with Gone With the Wind ... any suggestions for my next read?

10 Year Anniversary?

It with some reticence that I call this a happy anniversary.

Ten years ago this month, my brother, my best friend, and I were walking on the beach with a pack of cigarettes. Though I had dabbled in the habit since I was 13, it was that night that I learned what it meant to inhale, and thus the jokes about Bill Clinton's marijuana history. I wandered down the beach, heavily nicotine buzzed, and I looked at my brother and asked for another. That summer, one pack, a bottle of vodka, and four people were too much for us to finish. We would be coughing our lungs up the next day.

July 2009 -- I am now, as the medical profession would say, a "ten pack year smoker" -- that is, on average, one pack a day for ten years.

Win?

Going through my collections

In an effort to constantly improve myself and find joy in other things except for drinking, carousing, and intimate encounters, I have two new goals: read more and go through my movie collection. And, because I am an obsessive blogger, I plan to write about it as I go.

Reading

I have a lot of books. At one point, I documented well over 2,000 books I owned. For the nerdy and outcast teen that I was -- my middle school years are highlighted by my social ostracism, both internally and externally -- I read voraciously. By 7th grade, I was reading several thousand pages a semester (I know because my English teacher required us to document our reading in great detail). I continued the need for books well into college, though my reading has significantly dropped off since.

My parents are moving and found a large collection of books left in a closet by yours truly, and she's bringing them here. The theory was that, after I went to college, I would trade out my college every couple years when I got bored with it. I am now confronted with the reality of not only having read the grand majority of the books on my shelf, but the addition of hundreds more.

In the past month, I've racked up thousands of pages, and I've found myself enjoying the effort. Some recent completions:

• George R.R. Martin's The Song of Ice and Fire series -- I admit it, I'm a scifi/fantasy junkie. I have read all the greats and am depressed at the notion that Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series will not be completed by the man himself. I picked up Martin's series in college and loved it, though we are still waiting for it to be complete. Like Jordan's series, it was intended to be three, maybe four, books and has now ballooned out to probably six or seven. I own only the first three and, after my recent re-read of the first three, I am foaming at the mouth of the next few. I think I am like most readers of the series though, wondering when the Starks, the central character family, will start doing something than dying off slowly. It has now been referred onto my brother whom I think will enjoy it. Read time (3 books): about two weeks.
• Flora Rheta Schreiber's Sybil -- Though steeped in some controversy -- some say Sybil, nee Shirley Ardell Mason, was misdiagnosed by her psychiatrist, Cornelia B. Wilbur -- the book is an interesting and fascinating look into the world of psychoanalysis and the ofter over-diagnosed condition known as Multiple Personality Disorder (Disassociate Identity Disorder). I read it for the first time in a series of books with similar themes, including When Rabbit Howls and The Three Faces of Eve, early in high school. I thought I wanted to be a psychiatrist at that point in my life. Though experiences since with the extremely mentally ill have changed my desire, the book is, nonetheless, fascinating. It's also not for the faint of heart, as the details of Sybil's abuse as a child will leave you squirming. Read time: about four days.
• Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon -- I don't remember exactly when I picked this book up, though it was probably in the middle school era where I was experimenting with religion and thought Wicca was it. It wasn't. I tried to read the book way back when, but I was unsuccessful and, going through this time, I found multiple book marks and dog eared pages where I had left off before. I was somewhat disappointed with it, as it was hardly the classic that everyone put it out to be. The characters were bland and the intrigue even moreso. Read time: about ten days.
• Clive Barker's The Great and Secret Show -- I long established as one of my favorite books of all time, and I found it equally enjoyable this time around, though it can no longer be counted as amongst my favorites. It's good and made for a quick read, but it isn't quite as life changing this time around. Apparently, there are other books in a series -- dubbed The Art, or a sequel at least -- but I really am not driven to read them. Read time: three days.
• Ken Follett's Pillars of the Earth -- I was disappointed with this read the first time, thinking I wasn't as impressed with it as everyone said I would be. I'm actually enjoying it much more, this time around. It's a much heavier text than the rest, and I'm going slowly. Currently in the middle of it. It's an Oprah book, now, too.

Not sure what's next -- but I'll keep you updated, no doubt.

Watching

I own well over 200 movies, a collection I began in college when I got my first DVD player. The first movie I bought? Don't laugh -- South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. Hey, it's funny. Anyways, after discovering the cheapy movie deals offered at most movie rental places (seriously -- 4 movies for $20?!), my collection has grown exponentially since, though my watching has not kept pace and there is a huge number of titles that I have never seen before. I think it's time to actually make it through my entire collection, this time around. What have I watched so far, in about two weeks of trying:

• Mists of Avalon -- FIRST TIME WATCH-- Especially having come off reading the book, I noticed that the movie was missing a lot of important details, though it works as a movie. Shocking, with such a huge amount of talent, you'd think it would have been better. (4 out of 10)
• The Emperor's New Groove -- Seen it god knows how many times, and I am still entertained by it, though it didn't make it far in the box office. Worth a great chuckle, though not ground breaking cinema. (8 out of 10)
• The Sweetest Thing -- Simple, lighthearted, and it's difficult to deny the joy of watching The Penis Song scene over and over and over again. As an amusement, it ranks high. Anything else -- including intelligent humor -- it lacks. (6 out 10)
• The Incredibles -- My favorite movie of all time. I can't get over how well done the movie is, especially with rich characters like Edna Mode and the extensive back story they created for the flick as evidenced by the DVD extras. I am shocked that no one ever decided to make a sequel, though there are enough rumors saying it will happen. Nothing was ever confirmed, and it makes me sad. Charming, funny, and well thought out. (9.5 out of 10)
• Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow -- FIRST TIME WATCH -- How can so many amazing actors pick such a bad movie? I could barely be bothered to keep track of what was happening. The cinematography was amazing, however, and was the only thing saving the flick. I left wondering what the point was. (2 out of 10)
• Fame -- FIRST TIME MAKING IT THROUGH -- Meh. Also a classic, but I wasn't as impressed with it as I thought I should be for as many homo's that say they love it. I mean, it was fun and I liked it, but I think the number of times I've fallen asleep watching it is a testament to my interest level. Classic scenes, though, and you'll recognize many references for later works. (5 of 10)
• Borat -- I turned it on the day Bruno came out. It is what you know it to be -- filled with low brow humor that you can't help but laugh at. I'm not sure why I bought it, and I'm not sure what would encourage me to watch it again in the future. (6 of 10)
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding -- We, like so many people, heard about it from the grapevine, pre-Twitter, and I was charmed enough to see it a second time in the theatre. I never go watch a movie twice in a movie theatre. It is much as you remember -- fun and whimsical and totally worth your time. And, extra score, the jokes are still funny! (9 out of 10)
• Elizabeth: The Golden Age -- FIRST TIME WATCH -- I loved the movie that preceded this, Elizabeth, so much, and I did enjoy the sequel. It's not as historically valid as the first, and has some continuity problems, but it's well-done and beautifully produced. I'd recommend the first one over this, but I would still suggest you check it out. (7 out of 10)
• The Wiz -- Watched it twice since Michael Jackson died, and I love it still. It is a brilliantly recrafted and rethought version of The Wizard of Oz, and it may actually live up to the original for its creativity. The songs will stick in your head for weeks, and Diana Ross is simply fabulous, while the final bit by Lena Horne makes you realize why she was a star. (9 out of 10)
• Sweeney Todd -- I am on a Sasha Baron Cohen kick this week, apparently, and I turned this on to remind myself that the man does have some amazing versatility as an actor. Add great performances by Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, and Helena Bonham Carter, including some surprising vocal talent by the three, and you have a definite winner. Bloody as hell, though. Not an every-day'er though, and I think, in cutting down the original Broadway piece, it lost a little bit (8 out of 10)
• The Devil Wears Prada -- How can you not have seen this movie? I read the book a few weeks before it came out; my sister was reading it and it was just a cheapie little bit that seemed to be written so that it could be a movie. It turned out to be an excellent flick with a couple of Oscar nom's to boot. (9 out of 10)

The only problem is that I seem to be going after previously watched movies, or favorites. I'm trying to learn to balance new flicks with the old favorites. So far, successful.

I'm not sure if anyone cares about any of this, but I do. :-)

Death in the Family: 2 years on

2009 Addition:

Two years ago, I wrote this, and I wondered why I delayed this year. I suppose, as time goes on, we feel it less; it hurts less; perhaps it even means less. But I mark Katie's death as the beginning of a long and awful tumble that left and indelible mark on my conscience and on my person. I don't blame her, at all, but I take death very strangely, and the guilt I felt about Katie's death is still.. raw.

In some way, I've forgiven myself, but it's good to continue to remember people that have blessed our lives, and left our lives.

I still miss you, Katie.

---
2008 Addition:
I wrote this one year ago yesterday. . . I'm going to repost it every year.

----------

2007 Piece:
A DEATH IN THE FAMILY

There's a lot of things people don't know about me -- even my best friends are not privy to parts of my history that I doubt they even know existed. It's funny -- no one in my senior year ever asked "What have you done for the last four years?"

This struck home, because, since then, I left them behind. Most of them, actually. And I don't know why it happened, but it did. They were good years, with wonderful people and fun times... great stories, if you ever want to know.. but based on how they ended, I think I just left it all behind.

I lost a friend this week.

Her name was Katie Rosby. On July 4th, they were shooting off fireworks in Cleveland and their neighbor, a fireman, had gotten tired of the noise from the house and came and killed three people -- two boys, 24 and 30 (one of which is the brother of Katie's best friend), and Katie. Shot Katie in the back. She died on the scene.

It's been a year and a half since I last talked to Katie and two things strike me as interesting:

1) I rearranged my house this weekend, and I found gobs of pictures of her and me, framed a few and put them up, thinking, "I need to call her soon."

2) The last conversation we had -- in front of the Papa John's on Hamilton Ave in College Hill -- ended with her saying "I don't care if we only talk once a year, so long as you answer when I call, and that I know you're always there."

I was always here, had she called (I hope I would have been). I just never called her. Her mother called me and said that they just wanted to tell two people -- our friend Dustin and me -- because, "even though you two rarely talked, she thought the world of you." I have since been told by her best friend (whose brother has passed) that, even that night, she told a story about me.

I can't believe it's been a year and a half since I talked to her.

I kept saying I would call.

This is so Sunday-afternoon lifetime drama. So "Cat's in the Cradle."

But I can't believe she won't be there the day I decide to finally get the cajones to call her, apologize for being a bad friend, and then act like nothing had happened.

Katie Rosby had one of the most beautiful smiles ever, and she always laughed. She was easy to make laugh. Those are the qualities I cherish in my friends. And I left her behind.

And now she was found dead with her friends in the driveway of some house in Cleveland, shot because the fireworks were too loud on July 4th.

And I didn't have the strength to answer her mother when she asked "What am I supposed to do now?"

I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't know, because I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

------

People will criticize me for posting this, but I live my life in public; I will grieve in public too.

Katie was a drinker, btw (surprised???). She liked Killian's. If you get a moment, and you think "I need a beer," get a Killian's. I am not a believer, so I don' pray, but I drink. So please raise a glass to my Katie. It's all I know what to do now.

Good-bye, productivity.

Things I've learned about myself, playing Sims 3:

• I believe -- and now have proof -- that money solves all problems and makes life easier
• I would rather be flirty or charismatic than ambitious or hard-working
• Bigger is usually better
• The ability to buy new things is better than the ability to spend time with other people
• Fewer clothes is always best
• I have no concept of heterosexuality

Meanwhile, everything else I'm doing is falling behind. However, my apartment is clean. It's a side effect of waiting for my SIM to sleep. Weird.

Thoughts on Doctors

Yesterday, the an advisory committee to the FDA recommended for the removal of Vicodin and Percocet from sale in the United States due to the acetaminophen (Tylenol) component. Acetaminophen overdoses are directly related to acute liver failure, and long-term use is linked to other liver issues.

At the Emergency Department, we are not unfamiliar with overdoses on a variety of issues, acetaminophen included. We are not also unfamiliar with people pleading -- pleading -- for painkillers, usually vicodin or percocet. See, they are relatively inexpensive and innocuous as compared to the more powerful ones like dilaudid or fentanyl. Why we don't see more people begging for morphine tablets escapes me, but I have no doubt it's due to the sheer obivousness of morphine in comparison.

Which brings me to my point...

As we are speaking, right now, a new class of doctors is arriving in Cincinnati for their very first shifts as MD's. Sure, they've had their time in clinical rotations, but today they begin the arduous process of doctorin' up people, and they will get to learn the lessons and make the decisions that so many have before them. They will get to learn the difference between a grimace of real pain and the grimace of a needy 20 year old dislocating his shoulder regularly for the sole purpose of obtaining pain medication. They will get to hear the crazy tales -- the STD check who brings both his pregnant baby mama and his pregnant girlfriend in to get tested -- and they will become familiar with our frequent fliers.

At the same time, a class of doctors is leaving. I have fought with these doctors and become friends with them. I have learned to like them, and I've learned to hate them. Though my job does not near approximate the nurses roles, and my judgment on who is good and who is bad is slightly skewed to who refers to me the most, I have a pretty good and I am sad to see them go. But it also reinforces a sharp divide within the hospital.

We are a team together, working towards health, working towards homeostasis. However, as doctors move from R-1 (first years) to R-2 (second years), or as the R-4's leave, or as the R-1's enter, the doctors are still the doctors in a class in and amidst themselves. They know each other best. And the nurses know each other best. And the other services are so dwindled and separated out as to not be able to say that we really know each other. Thus, these new doctors will learn from all of us, and we will learn from them. They will take with them, as they move onto bigger and better things, the memories of our combined efforts. They will remember the patients we diagnosed together, and the crazy patients we held down together.

But they will move on, confident in their ability to cure. For my part, I will be part of "this cool program we had during my internship;" and the nurses will likely fall into one general lump of people known simply as "the nurses at my last job," individual faces and names forgotten and left behind. (See, when a nurse leaves, it is known, and we say good-bye a little and hug but there are a lot of them and they pass on; when someone lower leaves, it is not known and likely forgotten more often than it is remembered.)

I guess I'm just a little sad this morning, seeing work friends depart and realizing that they were never, perhaps, my friends. I was just part of their learning experience.

In the next month, I will teach the newbies about HIV and sexual health. They will look to me for answers about behaviors they had never heard about, and they will ask me questions about my program, my experience, and some snippet of neat information they missed over the newswire. Or, they will use me -- well, all of us in the Emergency Department -- to supplement their knowledge and to carry out their great and wonderful work, and we will support them. We will help them become better doctors.

Then, on their final day years later, they will look at me over their guitars and say, "I'm just ready to get the fuck out of here," and forget to say good-bye when they go and never acknowledge the part we all played in making them, them.

And I wonder who I will say good-bye to, and who will guide me, much like these doctors in a class all their own did for each other.

In a weaker moment, I might say that I just want to be remembered, that I want to matter in some way. I wonder, for those doctors already gone, if I did.

For you, mom...

From your daughter (who has requested you check your gmail :-), and click the picture to make it bigger)

From me....

Maybe a little surprise. Glad you got home safely. :-)

Test, test

And about 12 hours later, my blog-by-phone email worked!
---
Blogger has a new feature set up where I can text and/or email in a blog post. We will see how successful this is.

I am at the busstop outside of the hospital. It's cold - again. I am waiting for the 24 to take me from University Hospital to Christ for school. At the end of my day, I will wander up Auburn Avenue and catch the 31 to take me home, where I will blog and then sleep. Upon waking, I will walk up the hill and get on the 51 to bring me back to work, where this cycle begins again.

And somewhere, someone sings, "Circle of Life" from Lion King and I want to punch them.

I have been carless almost a year now. Most days, it is OK. And, now that the first years at school have to park WAY off campus and shuttle in, its actually more convenient. I haven't figured out simple things like groceries, yet, and my cupboard is perennially empty. An interesting problem, btw, with lots of unexpected side effects, but that's another blog post.

Most days, I just go round and round and round ... 24 to 31 to 51 to 24 etc.

A year ago, I was circling - downward. I joke that at least I had a known direction. I'm learning to be an adault, again, these days, and part of that is going in circles and just making sure your shit is done.

It is not always done on time, or the best it could be, but it is getting done.

And then it will change, and we find new circles to travel on. Thesis-antithesis-synthesis. My life is the Hegelian dialectic. Suppose that is better than basic and massive flaws in Cartesian logic. No, that was last year.

Anyways. Weird blog post, I know. I have no idea if this will even post, but expect more rumination if it works.

I do that a lot, riding on the bus and ruminating... Going round and round.

If I'm great...

...it's because these people are in my life.

In my head, I imagine that all of you are wondering: well, Mr. Barry, if you're VD was so great, what made it so great? I'm glad you asked, because I'll be happy to tell you.

I woke up at 3am, because that's how I roll, to a phone call from a boy I met at the bar two weeks ago who proceeded to wonder, alloud, just how long ago we had met at Shooter's. Once he figured out who I was, and I figured out who he was, the conversation ended shortly with him saying, "Well, I'm going to bed," and a vague promise to respond if I texted him later with plans. Weird.

...to be followed by someone saying they were attracted to me online. Also weird. (I am also attracted to them, but I wonder if it will go anywhere, but there are other issues, no doubt.)

Blah. Made it through the day going stir crazy in my house, when study buddy Michelle picks me up for lunch and, well, studying. We had a ball, I learned everything possible about diabetes, and we moved on with our life. She put up with my insanity for a little while, and that's a great kindness on her part because I think I was mild cabin fevered.

I was all too itchy to leave again once I got home, got on the way early bus to head up to the reopening of Take the Cake, which I had promised @geekjames I would make an appearance at, and where I would be meeting darling @jddalton (I swear, stop changing your twitter name). Take the Cake was fabulous, and the party was hopping. Lots of great Northside folks, lots of amazing food laid out, lots of tasty treats for everyone. After I made a complete ass out of myself and introduced myself to @geekjames' partner (the actual baker), whom I thought was my twitter buddy, I settled in which some fabulous chocolates and deserts. I also learned that I'm not a big fan of dates. That's neither here nor there.

Definitely worth stopping in -- apparently they'll be changing their menu on a daily basis. Very chic. And it's a bakery! C'mon!

Note: This is why I don't do restaurant reviews.

Then we went onto New Stage Collective...

Maybe I wasn't smart enough to get Dead City, but it says something when I start dozing off midway through. It is the play you expect to see at an avant garde theatre -- brilliantly acted and completely unreadable. Not a big fan of esoteric art, really, as I think there should be something there to be understood for everyone. Despite the amazing work of the actors and actually really amazing blocking -- and a few times when it was funny -- it was theatre for the few, not theatre for the masses.

I don't know, maybe it's more in your taste than mine. Tom told me You'll get it later. Well, I could also get an STD later, but that doesn't mean I'm going to spend the time. 

Wow, that was a "bad review." I feel really guilty.

Then @jddalton and I headed down to Below Zero for some cocktails, where our crew grew from him, me, and Queen City Survey, to just him and me, then to himmeandAndrew, then himmeAndrewandAmyandhusband, then himmeAndrewAmyhusbandandVivica (you know how it goes). We had a blast. I even invited the boy who had called me at 3am to join us, but then sat off by himself on the pretense that "I don't want to intrude." Whatever. Off the list of interesting people, on the list of creepy people. We even tried to convince Julie and Katy out, but they were tucked in for their Valentine's Day.

So by the time we reached Shooter's, we were all quite tipsy (BZ was clearing out).

Me and Jeffery!

Blogger photo -- god I'm a nerd

...at Shooter's I met a cute boy who loves Jesus -- we all have our faults :-) j/k -- who had informed me that darling Joe Penno has left even the Pride Committee (what happened to him?). 

I got home somehow, but not after a quick rendez-vous with the cute boy from Shooter's.

And I tucked into bed, where I woke up the next morning in the same clothes I went out the night before.

Overall, the best Valentine's Day to date.

Thanks :-). You guys made it awesome.

Sick

So I left school early because I am very sick -- have the flu for the second time this month. Not good. Going to bed. Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes on Twitter.

If you need something to read, check out either Stuff Queer People Need to Know's response to the February blog carnival -- Why Northside? Is Northside our 'gay ghetto?' Darren did a second follow up to his first one.

Thought I'd give you something to check out for the afternoon whilst I sleep.

Also, welcome home to Worley who is now out of the hospital and very much plans to publish in March.

I have a life you know :-)

Sorry I've been on a two-day hiatus, but I'm more tired than alive right now... having auditory hallucinations.

Failed a test at school today, along with the rest of my class. My profs have no sympathy -- try harder, they say. My apartment reeks -- it hasn't been cleaned in weeks -- and I can't find the smelly stuff to at least pretend that it smells like lavendar blossoms everyday. I'm going to bed now, and I'll try to update myself on the world tomorrow.

And, in pennance, I give you, a cute boy lip synching one of my favorite songs...

We have a new mantra at school: 76 is an RN. (76=passing grade, which, for the record, I have a 74... first I have ever in my life been failing a class) It's gotten to that point.

On the bright side, I received word that I should be getting a juicy and exciting thing in the mail from, of all places, Equality Ohio.

Oh jesus, watching this video... go on, psychoanalyze it, bitches. LOL. It's all true, it's all true.

Support me Heart Mini-Marathon

So I'm doing another walk, this time for the heart.

Every year, Cincinnati has the Heart Mini-Marathon and Walk to support people living with chronic heart disease, raising money that goes into services, care, and medication. This year, Christ Hospital is "hosting" the event, and I wanted to play along, since I've been such an avid participant in the past of other disease walks in the city -- specifically, the WALK TO STOP AIDS.

I won't be running in the Mini-Marathon (5K or 10K). I will, however, be walking, thank you very much.

I'm asking for your kind and generous donation at this link to help support me in my goal of raising money for a great cause. Unlike the AIDS Walk, I'm only trying to reach $150*, and I put in $35 towards the goal.

So throw me $10 or $20. I promise it will make you feel good about yourself today.

Your heart -- well, mine, actually -- will thank you!

You will all be hearing a lot about this, and you can track my process on the right side of your screen with the little thermometer. You can also choose to do the walk/run with us; I hear it's a pretty nifty event. This will be my first year, so we'll see.

Follow up on Douggie

So I posted my thoughts on my friend's death, Doug Feld.

I was surprised when I started getting a lot of hits on it, and then I got a text message from Jeffery who said he appreciated it. And then his family checked in and have been posting.

I'm glad you guys were able to share everything with me that you have, and I'm glad you've had a place to express some of your goodbyes.

My spy spoke nothing but the world of Doug's family. :-) They also express their deepest sympathies, but I can't reveal who it was as technically it was against the law for us to discuss Doug. Details, details.

But this came in from Doug's brother, Steve, and he asked that I post it, which I am more than happy to do...

I am not a member of your publication, so I hope that you can cut this onto your blog page. I am Doug's oldest brother, Steve. The world was truly a richer place for having had Doug in it for his 39 years. When he was administered his last rites on Friday, my daughter commented that if there was one person who did not need the religious cleansing, it was Doug. He never did anything wrong in his life.

Doug was a beautiful person, always willing to give of himself. His knowledge of algebra, and the myriad of tutorial sessions he provided, got my children through high school math. When our sister Joan was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago, Doug threw himself into leading fundraising activities for cancer research. The last complete family picture we have was at a cornhole fundraiser that Doug organized last May. All of the proceeds of that tournament went to the American Cancer Society. He was completely healthy just that recently.

He went into training for a 60 mile cancer research walk to be held in Chicago in August. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed just prior to that day that a tumor had been found. The day he should have left for Chicago was in fact the day he had surgery to try to cure him. Treatments were ineffective against this virulent strain, and while there was a brief window of hope through the Christmas holidays, the aggressive nature of this disease just overwhelmed Doug.

Doug became a lot happier person when Jeff came into his life about nine years ago. That was the first we knew of his lifestyle preferences, and we can take comfort in the fact that he and Jeff were accepted fully by our family. I can only hope that Jeff is able to find the courage to someday smile again. My heart breaks for the loss of my brother, but it equally aches for Jeff. I don't know how we are all going to be able to gather the strength to get through this, other than in the knowledge that Doug is now at peace.

Goodbye my brother.

Thanks to all who have expressed their well wishes to the family, and thanks to all who are keeping the Felds and the Daltons in their thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you all. Every last one of you.

Text Message

Friend of mine texted me this in a moment of my low self-esteem:

God doesn't make junk.

Thoughts?

When I posted this on Twitter, I got two responses:

From @GCRMMediaClub: "God certainly does make a lot of junk: horrifically deformed babies, junk DNA, junk rituals and dogma, junk biblical texts"

From @nth_degree: "there is a phallic joke in there somewhere"

And from the indomitable @Dr_Jared (who is usually more loquacious than this): "what?"

Any other thoughts (keeping in mind this is a personal mantra now and it's the only thing holding up my fragile self-esteem :-)).

In memoriam: Douggie F

Doug on left, Jeff on right, at a fundraiser for the YWCA Breast Cancer Project hosted by Kristy in ... February, 2007? at Bullfishes'. It was snowing and nasty and one of those "roads are made of ice days" here in Cincinnati. They drove over an hour and a half (they only lived in Hamilton), braving the roads, to make it down. Those are they kind of people you know you are lucky to have in your life.
I'm not good with feelings. I think that should be clear to most people in the world, so it's hard for me to express situations and emotions, especially when I don't know how I feel either.

Doug F. passed away this morning. I know this doesn't mean much to a lot of people who read my blog, but there's value in understanding and processing and just writing it out.

I didn't know Doug as well as I knew his partner, Jeff. Jeffery and I were close... girlfriends, really, though I always feel, as I do with most people I meet in my life, that I could be closer to him than I am. I could always be closer to people, we all could, I suppose, be closer. Geographically, emotionally... whatever. We could always mean more to other people, and people could always mean more to us. But that's beside the point because we rarely, if ever, really think that it's necessary at that moment to be closer to someone. There's always tomorrow.

There's always another drink. There's always another night out. There's always another time to move closer.

So I could be closer to Jeffery. And, of course, the corollary is that I could have been closer to Doug. It struck me as strange, when I was talking to friends, that I didn't even know Doug's last name. To us, he was always "Douggie F," or just "Jeffery's partner, Doug." In fact, I didn't know nearly as much about Douggie F as I could have. When I would see him -- which was rarer than I saw Jeff -- I would hug him, give him a kiss, call him darling, and feel genuinely blessed to have been in his presence. I did, I swear, feel blessed.

But Jeffery was always there, and I loved Doug because I love Jeffery. And I knew that they loved each other.

In my life, where the concept of love and being in love with someone is far and distant, theirs was a life and a situation that I appreciated. Jeff and I would get drunk together, check out boys, be crazy bitches, have a great time... and I knew that Jeff would go home to the love of his life.

And that meant something, to me.

I didn't know Douggie F as well I should have, but I'm not upset about that. Because I knew him enough to know that he was special, and that he was this amazing person that my good friend loved.

In a world of Facebook and Twitter and blogs and texting, when online drunken conversations often are mistaken for real human interactions, and when making out with a boy at a bar is equitable to a relationship, that kind of emotional proximity is enough to miss him. Knowing that Jeff is hurting, knowing how much they meant to each other, knowing the days Jeff spent in the hospital and waiting and watching and hoping, and knowing that Doug mattered to someone is enough for me to feel the loss and to genuinely be upset about it.

Jeff doesn't know this, but I had a spy on his floor who updated me on Doug's status occasionally. I was too busy, I told him and myself, to go up and visit. I was too busy and there were other things I needed to do, but I'm not blaming myself and I'm not upset about the fact that I didn't go see him because I knew about Doug much the same way I did throughout our relationship... through other people. And, besides, Jeff's always positive demeanor made me believe that there would be another drink, another night out, another time to hug Doug, kiss his cheek and call him darling, and to feel blessed that he was there, again.

Except that won't happen this time, and that's hard for me to process.

Now, as the funeral arrangements are being made and Jeff is putting up with family (at church this morning, "those Baptists," he said with guffaw, making a light joke much as I would expect Jeff to do), I'm learning about Doug. I know his last name now. And, though I never visited their house despite multiple invitations, I know where they live now. I looked it up on Google Maps.

And so even now, I'm interacting with his passing much the same way I interacted with his living.

I don't wish for more, and I'm not crying that I didn't get to know him better. Life is what it is, and our interactions happen whether for good or for bad and to place some sort of judgment or qualification on the relative goodness or badness of our time together undermines his life and produces nothing more than vain emotions and botched memories. Doug knew that I loved him because he was my girlfriend's partner. He knew that he was important to me because he was important to Jeff. Even though I didn't know his last name, I knew enough about him to know that this person is special and he matters.

In an age of Facebook and Twitter and texting and where a drunken online conversation is often mistaken for real human interaction... it was enough to know there is love, and there is hope, and there was him.

Doug, we rarely talked, and we didn't know each other, but I wanted to say goodbye in the best way I know how, in the only way I know how, and let you know that you mattered to me. Thank you for the time you spent here, thank you for the love you gave, thank you for having blessed me and us with the time you had.

I will miss you.

And don't worry, we'll take care of Jeff, in the best way we know how.... I'll buy him a drink and toast your life. It's the best thing I know to do. 

I hope it's enough.

What I do know, though, is that Doug's and Jeff's family were fierce advocates and avid fundraisers for breast cancer charities. I know you don't know Jeff or Doug, most of you, at least, but I would ask that, if you have a few minutes, or have a free day, that you take the time to volunteer or donate to the Breast Cancer Alliance of Greater Cincinnati. I've not been asked to do this, and I expect there will be a charity announced when the funeral arrangements are made, and I will re-update that, as well. But, for now, if you happen to be stopping in and the moment moves you, take a moment to donate and make sure you make it in honor of Doug Feld and Jeffery Dalton. Thank you.

Passive aggressiveness this AM

Posted this almost a year ago... well... 10 months ago. Thought it was relevant as a mantra today.

...when all this is said and done, I have chosen the people around me and they will still be with me. You will be nothing more than another person that was a part of my decadence, another generic face in the "there were so many," another nothing in my life... and your issues, which you tried so desperately to place on me, will be gone and you'll have you to face in the morning.

Because I will have forgotten you, in the mass of a mess of my life. And the only people that will matter will still be around me.

And, Timmy M., this was not about you. Wasn't then, isn't now.

Being Alive

I worked this show years ago and never liked it (it's Company by Sondheim). The songs, though, stuck with me, and this one is on the short list of songs I listen to on my iPod these days. And it's sung here by Bernadette Peters!!!



Funny, I have no idea why this is relevant :-).

Oh, and while I'm watching Company videos, why am I so drawn to this character?



Mother Chanak, if you drank, I have a feeling that you and I would one day have a not too dissimilar conversation in a bar.

Blog by phone!!!

First blog by phone.

I bought myself a smart phone - a Samsung Blackjack II. Overall good performance. Runs on Windows which means it could be faster, but Microsoft would probably just eat that up with unnecessary junk.

I do like checking my email via phone though. Not like I am responding any faster.

Joint celebration of my two sister's birthdays. 21 and 23. Jeez. Now we are all adults.

My mother is not happy with this.

Merry Christmas :-)

It's midnight, per our tradition, I've had a little to drink this Christmas Eve. And of course...



Merry Christmas, every one.

(Funny, I'm 26 and it's still hard to get to sleep this evening. But that's ok. I hear Santa upstairs. It's amazing that, no matter how old you get, things still remain the same.)