PERSONAL: All this stuff going on

It has just begun to hit me that... I start school in exactly 7 weeks.

And I didn't realize that there was so much going on in my head about it. The whole thing feels like a balancing act of my real life and school life. And that juxtaposition had made one seem silly and nonsensical by comparison.

I graduated from Miami University (Oxford, OH, folks) in 2004 with two degrees -- B.A.'s in Urban/Regional Planning and Public Administration. Somewhere in 2002 and 2003 I interned at Wilbur-Smith Associates and, though the first summer was cool, it became tiresome the second and I realized I just had no interest in the field.

I mean, I guess I still do in a way, but it wasn't the kind of interest that would drive me to keep on, keepin' on.

Thus, I went to a career counsellor my senior year and said "I hate my life, what do I do." It was one of the few times in my life (or in anyone's life, I'm gathering) that an advising session was fruitful. After ticking off my interests, she reacted to the word "feminist" by saying -- "Why don't you go volunteer at Planned Parenthood?"

In Oxford, and with my liberal sentiments, it was one of the few outlets that could really connect with me and actually potentially lead to a job.

Which it did, and I had on-and-off employment with Planned Parenthood starting in 2003, ending officially in 2005, but beginning again through an HIV-testing contract I put together between a new employer (AVOC/STOP AIDS) and Planned Parenthood in 2006. That relationship still exists.

And it led me to be interested in healthcare, which is strange because nursing was always pretty much bottom on my list of interests.

To be fair, nursing in a clinical setting has very little interest to me still. In my head, it still will just be something to do on the side... picking up a few shifts here and there, or maybe as a full-time position for a few years.

But I have a bigger goal in mind this time: I want my Master's.

I got accepted to three grad schools while I was a senior at Miami -- Master's of Community Planning Programs. But, again, they held no interest, and I knew I was doing it out of momentum rather than actual interest.

I want to get my Master's of Public Health. And that's my goal this time around. The nursing thing is a means to an end, and it will allow me the flexibility and mobility to move and to work anywhere I want in the world.

And that's what excites me.

But back to the final seven weeks.

A lot of shit is happening in my personal life, and that's important to know because it's stirring things up, and I'm getting scared. Because this time I have a plan, and this time I have a real life that does not center on school, and this time I'm not just a student but a person too...

All the dates and times and stuff are spinning in my head.

And I just hope I can do it.

I've been out of school for four years... and I'm worried I won't be able to do it.

Seven weeks.