Saturday, June 20, 2009


Yea Stupid Joke Saturday, post-exam portion!!!!

A rope walks into a bar and Sits down on a barstool. The bartender walks over to him, points to the sign above the bar and reads, "No ropes allowed". So the rope walks outside, beats himself against the wall, and then ties himself into a knot.

He walks back into the bar and sits back down. The bartender comes back over and says, "Look, I already told you NO ROPES ALLOWED. Are you or aren't you a rope?". "Nope," the ropes smirks, "I'm a frayed knot"

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One's a flaming Nazi gasbag, the other's a blimp.

Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle!

What does snoop dogg keep under his sink?

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Potholes all over Australia.

“Waiter!” shouted the furious diner, “how dare you serve me this! There’s a twig in my soup!”
“My apologies, “said the waiter. “I’ll inform the branch manager.”

Q: What kind of animal needs oiling?
A: A mouse. It squeaks.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $4.50 per pound. And deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays up nights and wonders if there really is a dog.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

From @jeffelrod of Centsinnati:

Brogasm: when gay chicken goes wrong.

How do ducks pay for dinner on business trips?
With their bird-diems.


Quimbob said...

I sent your jokes to a friend. She sent me insults. We have a complicated relationship.

When Insults Still Had Class

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison,"
And he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it ...." - Groucho Marx

Jeff Elrod said...

i was getting self-conscious about your lack of response. whew.