Stupid Joke Saturday!

From Comedians...

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again." -- Elayne Boosler

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people. -- Ed Bluestone

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. -- Carol Leifer

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." -- Kevin Meaney

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -- Elayne Boosler