A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."
Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !"
"Yeah, sure" says the bartender.
I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"
"ROOF !" says the dog.
"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"
"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"
"RUFF !" says the dog.
"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "
"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"RUTH !" says the dog.
"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"
What's the best way to prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
(Don't bite any.)
Where does Superman buy his favorite food?
(At a supermarket.)
What is small, purple, and dangerous?
(A grape with a machine gun.)
Larry: What do you do for a living?
Harry: I'm a janitor.
Larry: Do you make a lot of money?
Harry: I'm cleaning up!
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump?
(A centipede with a wooden leg.)
What do some people do in China when it rains?
(They get wet.)
Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Larry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Later Update, from @geekjames:
Stupid Lucy Ricardo joke:
"Waaah, Ricky...I wanna be in show business."
"I saw 'Mame.' You don't belong in show business."